My Word for the Year

Here it is April already and the middle, not the beginning, and I am just now picking my word for the year! I never did resolutions or goals this year either. Instead I just survived.

In March I turned 60! How did that happen? I couldn't be that old. I still have an almost 16 year old at home... I thought as I got older, I would get wiser. And yet the reality is that I continually realize how much more I have to learn. Sometimes that learning comes from someone younger, too.

I have had a rough couple of years. There has been a divorce in our family, another one is likely, and we have lost some incredible people in our lives. I also am dealing with some health issues. Plus we are busy. We are busy with homeschooling, co-op, family, grandchildren, church, politics, ministry, and life. Most of it is good! Some of it is hard. I always have a spinning mind of what to do next.

Consequently I don't always give my full attention to things or people. I get distracted. I multitask continuously. I am always thinking ahead. But it has become a fault. I am never fully in the moment. I didn't even realize it until I hurt my youngest daughter. I was not paying attention. I was not hearing her. I was not responding appropriately to her needs. I wounded her by my inattention.

It was not intentional. But it was just as wrong. And I didn't even know how often I was doing it. Even as I was giving a hug, my mind had moved onward. It wasn't just with her; it was becoming a habit with everyone and everything. While I was patting myself on the back for my multitasking, I was being selfish. I was not embracing the present, the gift of now.

I apologized to my daughters and have intentionally tried to pay attention to what I am doing, who I am with.

So my word for the rest of the year is to FOCUS! Focus on what is happening now, who I am with, what I am doing. I need to focus, to be specific. I need to live in the moment, enjoying God's gifts to me today, this hour, this moment.

So my life lesson came from my teen and young adult daughters. I have told them to remind me lest I forget, Say it: FOCUS! Don't miss out. Focus!

Simplicity Learned on Vacation

Simplicity Learned on Vacation

                I know vacation is different than real life/everyday life, but it made me think about what I really need to do life and enjoy it. I was camping so I had to have all the basics with me. I needed a lot less than I do at home.

To start with, we had food with and the basic utensils to cook with including an electric fry pan, a microwave, and a cookstove and grill. We had plates, cups, bowls, silverware and various cooking utensils. I probably take more utensils than some people do because I like having an apple corer with as well as my favorite bread knife. I have certain items I like that make cooking easier for me.

                We sleep in sleeping bags and have pillows and blankets as each prefers. I have a reading light so I can read as late as I like without having lights left on. We are comfortable. We have heat and air conditioning if we need it.

We all brought books with us as well as a Bible and some magazines. We have 2 computers with and a DVD player. These were for downtimes, before bed, and for the long car rides. We spent a lot of time in the car. When we could, we hiked, visited people, went to museums, and various other activities.

We did bring a fair amount of clothes as we were in a wide temperature range. We left home and it was in the 20’s and we were in temps close to 90 later with everything in between. That also presented the dilemma of multiple shoes! We brought sandals and boots. We needed shoes to hike in, walk in, and dress up a bit. Plus we like variety!

Our camper is not big. It has room for 4 to sleep in and a small bathroom/shower. It does not have a table, but has counter space to cook on or do dishes, etc. It doesn’t have much in it that is decorative; it is mostly functional.

Yet it was enough. We didn’t miss many of our belongings. We were content. We were satisfied. It has made me think about all we surround ourselves with. What of it do we need? Which things are important to us? What would we replace if something happened to it?

I have a very nice home- one filled with things I love. But do I need all those wonderful things? If something happened to me, would they be a burden to those I left them to? I feel I need to take another look at my home and really think about what is important to me. I need to think about downsizing and keeping only what I use or love. This is not a new concept. It is something you can find multiple books about and can find multiple internet sites devoted to. I know because I have read them, but it became personal when I went on this vacation and realized how little I can live with and live well with.

Let’s get real here though. I can’t downsize to a tiny house or live as a minimalist. I have 6 children, 16 grandchildren and many guests. I am involved in ministry and my daughters have various commitments that mean storing things for other groups. I baby sit those grandchildren and have overnight guests. I can’t get rid of everything. But I can simplify. Maybe…

It is a task I will try to work on this spring. My spring cleaning will be more intentional and I will work to see what I can change. I don’t want to leave behind a legacy of too much stuff that my children will be dismayed about. I want to leave behind a legacy that says I loved them, enough to not leave too much stuff.

Review- A Fragile Hope by Cynthia Ruchti

Review- A Fragile Hope by Cynthia Ruchti

A Fragile Hope is a story of a married couple in crisis. While the underlying crisis is within their marriage, it becomes much more in the midst of a medical crisis.  It is also complicated by the fact that the husband is a relationship expert and doesn’t even realize his own relationship is in crisis. He only realizes it when he gets the call that his wife is in the hospital from a car accident after trying to leave him.  As he tries to unravel where she was going, with whom, and why, he is deeply hurt and confused. The answers lie with his wife who cannot tell him anything. He must wrestle with the pain of his confusion and hurt, but more so with himself. How can he not have a good marriage? How could his wife have been leaving him? Aren’t the solutions he provides for everyone else truth for their own marriage, too? He must also face that his wife may not live and how he is going to stand with her through her long hospitalization. What will be his priorities now? He faces some tough questions about himself, his wife and his future. How will he find the answers?

The characters have real hurts, dilemmas, and pain. We feel it with them. We struggle with them through their crisis. It becomes very real to the reader.

While the crisis feels real, and oftentimes heavy, there are lessons learned. Past hurts become obstacles to surviving this crisis, but hope comes in many different unexpected ways. Hope becomes the strength that makes survival possible.  Faith gives hope its root to grow. We are not left in the crisis, but see forgiveness, faith, and hope transcend it to bring real healing on many levels in many ways.

A Fragile Hope is a story that will touch your emotions and heart. You will feel with the characters, but your own life will be challenged and inspired by this story.

Parenting Adult Children

Parenting Adult Children

                Once you become a parent, you are always a parent. That doesn’t change. You, however, are forever changed when you become a parent. You become consumed with a love for that child that is different than anything you have ever felt before. You become more selfless. You want the best for your child. I know there are exceptions to this, but God created us to love our offspring and to want to bring them up to be productive, successful adults. Once we become responsible for another human being, you never completely let that go. Your love binds you together forever.

                Thus, the dilemma. Children grow up and become adults. And parents go on being parents.  The appropriate letting go and still loving and being there for them can be a conflict. I know I do not always do it well. I am not sure I have ever done it well.

                Because they are your children, you want to protect them and help them to not go through the bad things life has set before them. Yet they need to experience life and all its consequences. It hurts to watch your child hurt. But often hurts are what teach the greatest lessons.

                What is the balance? I have not learned it yet. I may never. I want to love my children well. I want to be involved in their lives. I want to help them, but not enable bad decisions. I want to encourage and lift them up, but not unnecessarily praise everything. I want to hold them accountable, but not criticize them or break their spirit. I want to offer them hope, but not false hope with no foundation. I want them to see my faith is real, but I am still a sinner. I am a sinner, but I am forgiven. I am redeemed in spite of all my flaws. What good I have to offer comes only from God. I want them to know God and His goodness and love towards them. I want them to have a relationship with Jesus more than I want a relationship with them.  

                So I can offer my love, my prayers, my life, to my children. But they may not want any of it. I know that rejection. Yet still I will offer it. I love them, these adult children of mine. I will always be their mom. Nothing changes that.

Marriage Insight

Marriage Insight

                I was reading a book on marriage and started thinking about my marriage: the ups, the downs,  the expectations and hopes, the reality of how it has played out. So I had this brilliant idea to ask my spouse what his biggest disappointments were. I am not sure now what was behind this. Did I really want to know so I could try to fix what I could? Or was it just an opportunity for me to get to tell him mine?

                I thought about it and never actually did it because I realized it could be a very non-productive conversation. Why would we want to focus on disappointments when there were so many things that were good and positive in our marriage? We could look at things we want to change or grow in, but getting stuck in the disappointments seemed like a way to potentially hurt each other. I knew we could not undo the past, so why focus on that?

                The more I thought about my disappointments though, I realized they were more my failings than my spouse’s. The things I could look back on and feel disheartened about were my fault, too. My biggest disappointment was that we didn’t spend enough time together. My husband likes to come home from work, eat supper, and then go to his shop and work on things. Over the years, I have felt neglected, left out, and sometimes alone. But did I ever voice that to him? I knew he needed downtime so I let it be. I filled the time with my children, movies, books, or something. At times, I got resentful, but he was usually fixing something, making extra money, or taking care of something. So I got used to it. I quit hoping for more time. I quit expecting it. I acted like it didn’t matter. But it did.

                It mattered. Because it was what I thought of as my biggest disappointment. Maybe it is his, too. I never asked. But I decided if it were so important to me, I could do something about it, too. I could suggest dates. I could find time to do something with him. I could initiate spending time with him. He has never rejected me or pushed me aside for other things. We just get busy doing our own thing. So instead of complaining, I want to be the force for change. I can communicate better about my need to be with him. I need quality time. I can make it happen. I think my spouse will be pleasantly surprised because it is a win-win situation. When I put effort into making our marriage better, it is good for both of us. We both come out ahead. Each of us is happier when our marriage is good.

                So I won’t ask about his biggest disappointment. I may ask about what dreams he still has or about plans for our future. That is something we can work on together. We can’t go back , but we can move forward loving each other and doing well for each other as we do well for our marriage.

Birthday Celebration-60!

I celebrated a milestone birthday this weekend! It was a BIG one! I turned 60! But I don't feel 60! Most of the time...

When my daughters who are still at home asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I told them I wanted all 6 of my children, the spouses, and my grandchildren to come to church with me on that day. We laughed at my impossible request and agreed to not even consider it. I did not want to be disappointed.

My husband asked and I told him the same thing. He said he should call all the kids and tell them to come. I again said no as I did not want to be disappointed.

Why would I be disappointed? Two of my children are divorced and another has been contemplating it while separated. The grandchildren live with my children's ex-spouses. My oldest son lives a hundred miles away and has 6 young children. It is often too hard for them to come. My family is messy and complicated. I didn't think it could work and I didn't want my daughters to feel like they had to coordinate an impossible feat such as this.

So on the morning of my birthday I woke up with little expectation of doing much. My girls said we could stop and pick up a cake on the way home from church. We could go out if I wanted. But nothing seemed planned. I had been gone to a convention with one of my daughters all day the day before so we had not planned anything.

I have to admit I was disappointed. I love to plan parties. I like my children and grandchildren around. But the last few years have been hard adjusting to a family that was broken. I have been hurt too many times expecting too much. I knew I had to let go.

So to church we went. First we went to Sunday School. They were serving cake and my youngest daughter joked it was for me. I told her it was leftover funeral cake! Oops! A friend texted me to save her a seat so I did. After Sunday School my daughter asked my friend to come downstairs to the children's ministry area to look at something. As an aside, she told me to come if I wanted. I took my time, not really caring if I went.

I walked in the room and they yelled, "Happy birthday!" Who? All my children, but one. All the spouses, but one. ALL the grandchildren and one to come that I didn't even know about!
I cried. I laughed. I hugged. I was overwhelmed that my daughters and my husband pulled it off. They got almost all of them to come. We took up almost 3 rows in church! It was the best birthday I could have had!

Then they all stayed for lunch that my 2 daughters and my husband planned. Lots contributed to it. Our pastor and family, my dear friend Lisa and Issy, my 'adopted' brother and his wife-Minh and Xuan, and my neighbors came, too. We ate, took pictures, and had wonderful cupcakes baked by my youngest daughter, Janaya.

My heart was full! Even though I missed my oldest daughter and one other spouse of another daughter, I was overjoyed to have almost all of them there. They came through for me. I received some gifts and cards, but the gift of their presence was my favorite gift. I wall always remember this.

Mandy, Janaya, and Loren, you gave me true joy in making my dream come true. And you kept it a surprise from me! Amazing and memorable! I loved it!

Review- The Heart of Marriage - Dawn Camp, Editor

Review- The Heart of Marriage- Dawn Camp, Editor

                The Heart of Marriage is a collection of true stories that share from the heart of their own marriages. Each story speaks of a moment or a lesson learned in their marriage that will encourage and bless you. It is not preachy, but conversational in style. Each story is short and to the point. You could pick it up and read any of them to be inspired to make your marriage the best it could be.

                This book is for anyone- from newlyweds to those married longer. I have been married almost 39 years and was touched by the stories. I believe you always keep working on your marriage. I would give this book as a shower gift or wedding present or an anniversary gift. The concepts presented are for all marriages.

                The stories will inspire and challenge you; they will make you want to fall in love all over again. They will touch your heart and move you. They will make you smile and you will want to share them with others.

Book Reveiw- Restoring Christmas

Restoring Christmas by Cynthia Ruchti is a book that touched my soul. It is the perfect Christmas book filled with emotion, tradition, and hope. It touches on so many different kinds of relationships, good and difficult. It shows there can be healing when there is caring and persistence.

I love home improvement shows and fix-it shows. This book is based on a designer trying to get her own show by doing a home makeover at Christmastime. As with any makeover of an older home, not every thing goes right, plus the homeowner is not on board with the designer's ideas. She is an older woman resistant to change and stuck in the past in many ways. How does Alexis connect with her? Plus the videographer she hired hurts his back and the son shows up to take his place. Can Gabe do a good enough job? Will he quit talking and using Christmas references long enough to do what he is supposed to do? The house makeover ends up being much more than just a home. 

The story has so much depth and makes you realize what Christmas is truly about. It made me really think.

What is truly important at Christmas? We celebrate Christ's birth, but the gifts we give are to show the love He has gifted us with. They may be wrapped in paper under the tree, but they may be time, understanding, a listening ear, encouragement, humor, or other things. His love can be expressed so many ways.  His love is  given selflessly and with the other person's best interest at heart.

Cynthia's book showed me that selfless love in so many ways. It challenged me and encouraged me. It made me want to reach out to others. This is a book I will read again and again.

What Happened to 2016?

It is the end of 2016. We are in the last month and I am amazed that I have blogged so little. When life gets hard, sometimes I become a turtle and hide in my shell. I would rather not engage because too many of my thoughts are too personal or too depressing. So rather than share, I dig deep. I think more. I read more. I socialize less. I watch more movies. Sometimes I cook more or not at all. I have trouble making decisions, even simple ones like what to wear or eat. So writing a blog post fell far down on the list and I have missed my mark. I have not made my goals. I did not fulfill my New Year's resolutions.

What happened? I have experienced loss in a way I never expected to and I grieve. Not grieved, grieve. Ongoing. Now. And some days I cope better than others.

Some days I create to forget my hurts. I have sewed curtains, baby quilts, a soft book, and other things. I needed to accomplish something. I needed to finish something that gave me a good feeling.

We are redoing our kitchen and then a bathroom. I need newness, freshness, hope.

I entertain thoughts of moving, of change. I think about vacations, travel. I am trying to run from the pain, but it goes with me.

What happened in 2016? My family fell apart. The family I  longed for, prayed for, and dedicated my life to, broke apart. My oldest daughter was already divorced and is estranged from us. I didn't think my heart could be more broken, but it can be. My second daughter divorced in March and that changed our family, too. My youngest son is also in the divorce process. Besides being in the divorce process, he is also redefining himself. We don't even know him now. He is making choices that hurt many and then blames others for them. Previously we were close; now we can't talk. We don't agree on the basics of anything. I don't know how to relate anymore.

Divorce makes family messy. Who do you invite for holidays? Who do you give family gifts to? Who do you ask to have the grandchildren over for a visit?

And worst of all is when the children are used as a punishment. Because I responded wrong, the grandchildren are kept from me.

I didn't lose a daughter to leukemia like a friend of mine did. My husband didn't die like another friend's did. Yet I am still facing grief. Someone else's choices have forced my life to change in ways that hurt. I have lost relationships. I have lost my dream of a happy united family. I have lost my joy in celebrations. I have lost my confidence that my children are walking with the Lord, that they know Christ personally. I have lost a sense of worth as I feel I didn't do a good enough job raising my children. I am not sure of who I should be now.

Loss of all kinds causes grief. So my grief is real, even if it is different from others' grief. So what happened in 2016? So far I have survived. Not thrived. I am still moving forward. Slowly finding my way.

Book Review- One More Song to Sing by Lindsay Harrel

One More Song to Sing by Lindsay Harrel- book review

A new young singer comes to Nashville to reach for her dreams, but her dreams are not just of becoming a star, but to find a mother she never met. Ellie longs to belong, to find her place in the world.

This story gives us a picture of the music industry and what the music community is like. But more than that, it shows us family relationships. It explores the depth of how generations can be affected by bad decisions and how the cycle of life can be repeated unless something changes. We see the burden of those decisions on each person and how it has shaped their life.

While the story of Ellie becoming a recording artist is what’s currently happening, the story is much bigger. It is a story of forgiveness, reconciliation, and healing. And there’s some romance, too!

It’s hard to believe One More Song to Sing is a debut novel. The story is well crafted and the characters are well developed. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I recommend it highly. I can’t wait to see what Lindsay Harrrel will write next.