Grandparenting

I never dreamed about being a grandparent. I always wanted to be a wife and a mom, but I never thought about what it would truly be like to be a grandparent. Once when my children were younger, and there were only five then, they told me they would each have five and I would have 25 grandchildren. They joked about how I would have to line them all up in sleeping bags across my library floor when they all slept over. That was the only thought I had about it. I never thought about it in reality.

My first grandson was born when my youngest was almost seven months old. I was so busy with my own baby, it was hard to truly grandparent. I had my own baby to hold. She was a month early, so tiny and petite, so unexpected. She was my gift, my precious one. I was so enraptured by her that I am sure I didn't totally get the whole experience of first time grandparenting.

My grandchildren continued to arrive  almost every year after that. If there was a break for a year, I got two the next year. I have fifteen age twelve and under. I have ten granddaughters and five grandsons. Two of my grandsons were born this year. I am truly blessed with lots of little ones. Six of them call me Grandma and nine of them call me Oma.

They all seem to love to come and visit and we do lots of things with them. I usually have special snacks for them and do meals they like. I try to make it special for them. But the best thing I did for them was to have my last two children. My younger two daughters are the real reason they love to come to Grandma's. They love their Auntie Mandy and their Naynay.

Naynay is closest to their age and she plays with them. They adore her. They nag her, call to her, beg her, and generally just want to be with her. They love her and she is great with them. They often look for her first when they get here. Mandy reads to them and plays with them, too.

I never thought what it would be like to be a grandparent so I didn't know how much fun it could be. Or how exhausting it could be because there are so many. One weekend in April, we had ten of them overnight. Ten under eight years old! I am not sure if we would have had as much fun if I wouldn't have had my younger daughters here to help and make it fun. We divide the duties, the activities, and sometimes the kids. We work together to make it work. We help the kids get along and enjoy each other. It is a great team effort!

Grandparenting is so different for us than it was for my parents or my grandparents. All of them were basically retired as they grand-parented our children. They had more leisure time and were more able to be there at different times. They had less commitments than we do. And they were not still parenting at the same time. I still need to be a parent first to my girls at home, especially as I am still homeschooling one. Sometimes that presents a conflict in my time with my married children and grandchildren. I haven't always figured it all out and I know I haven't done it all right. I want to be there for all of them, but the balance is hard at times. It is hard to prioritize when I love them all. I try to say yes as often as I can to babysitting, but once in a while I just have to say no. I try hard to make it work.

Our grandparenting may not be excellent, but we love all of them and are glad to know them as well as we do. We are blessed to get to spend time with them often. We are glad to be part of their lives. We are particularly blessed to have two daughters at home who love the kids and show it so well. They have made being a grandparent so much easier. I have to admit sometimes I get jealous when some of the kids come and I never see them because they are so busy with their aunts. But truly I recognize how God knew best when he blessed us with our last two unplanned children because only He could have known how they would bless the nest generation, too.

Being a grandparent is fun, rewarding, and sometimes tiring. It is truly a joy to see your children parent and it is another chance to love on little ones. I didn't dream about it. I didn't plan for it. But it is here and I am glad to share this time with Grandpa (Opa) and the aunts at home. It is another joy God has put in my heart.

Hospitality

Hospitality is something I was taught and something we lived as I grew up. My mom wasn't a fantastic cook and didn't do it all perfectly from an entertainment stand point, but she was always welcoming. She made simple meals, but wasn't afraid to share them. My dad would call home and say that he was bringing a salesman home for lunch and she never got flustered(at least that I could see!) She would just set another place. Sometimes it was just soup or a simple sandwich. There wasn't always dessert, maybe just some store bought cookies. Yet she served with a smile and offered what she had.

When we started building our house 25 years ago, I wanted our home to be an open home that would share that same hospitality. I prayed that we would always be welcoming when the house was done. Yet God does have a sense of humor sometimes, and the stipulation of when it was done was not heard. I cooked on the woodstove before we got our stove. And I had overnight  guests before I had all the walls in. But we tried to love and welcome people and they kept coming.

We have had people live with us at different times. We have had guests for extended visits. We have babysat, done daycare, and hosted classes and Bible Studies. We do many family gatherings and celebrate holidays at our home. We have had one person and we have had 80 plus people. Our home is a house well lived in and is never perfect; nor are we.

Last week my niece's son called my son and told him he was coming for a visit from out of state. He was bringing his wife whom we had not met with. My son told them the could stay with us! And this is not the first time my adult children have invited people to our house instead of theirs.

My nephew sent me a Facebook message confirming that it was ok to come and asked for my phone number. I sent it back and asked them when they would be coming. He told me around noon so I told him to come for lunch. When I gave them my phone number, I asked him to call on his way so I would know when to expect them. The next day was the appointed day and I got up and started to prepare for them. I vacuumed and picked up around the house. I started bread rising and planned on making soup, salad, and apple bread. I had plenty of time so I thought I would shower after I vacuumed. As  I finished, my dog barked. But she barks at airplanes and not always at cars so I finished. I looked up and Nathan was at the door! I ran into the bedroom, and after yelling, "Come in!", I said, "You are early! It isn't noon!" How hospitable of me! I told them to take a seat and asked my daughter to see if they wanted something to drink. I took my shower, got dressed and then came out to meet his wife. It was a lovely start to our visit! While we talked, I cooked and made lunch, since I wasn't ready. They were gracious guests. I hadn't scared them away...

I often tell guests that they are only guests once, then they join the family and should help themselves. Some feel at home immediately and help themselves. Others take longer. While Nathan had not even been in my home for about 5 years, apparently he felt comfortable there. When he  and his wife got back after visiting my son and family, he came up and got himself a glass of milk and the next morning , he took some extra bread for the road. I felt blessed that he felt comfortable enough to get what he needed. I was glad that my home was a place he felt he could be at home in.

As we have opened our home to others, we have learned much. We have learned about those who came to us, but we also learned about ourselves. Some guests we have enjoyed more than others. Some were difficult. We had to learn to be gracious even when we didn't feel like it. We had to learn to put aside our own interests and care for those with us. Sometimes we had to stand up for ourselves, but not often. Most people have just enjoyed being in our home, eating what we make, and staying with us. Many come back again and again.

God gave us the gift of our home. We have been blessed by it. We had hoped to use it for Him someday, but any day is a good day to share what He has given us and we try. Sometimes we get worn out, but it is only a season, for a time. We make the best of it. And on the quiet days, we just enjoy it ourselves. We are grateful for our home and feel privileged to share it.

Hospitality starts in the heart. It comes from a grateful spirit willing to share what you have. It isn't entertaining, and it isn't perfect. Anyone can do it. It might mean sharing soup or potato pancakes as I once did to a young man who had never had them before. It might mean some of the kids sleep on the floor in sleeping bags.  Mostly it's just being welcoming, letting others into your family and home. The Bible tells us to "practice hospitality." We may never get it perfectly, but we all can keep practicing!

The Story Keeper Book Review

I was privileged to be a part of a sister circle that got to read The Story Keeper this past summer before it was published. Each circle had 5 sisters and there were over 20 circles. We each had the book for up to 2 weeks. Most of us read it much more quickly than that! As we read, we jotted notes and underlined all over the book. It became quite well used by the time we were done. I was the 2nd in our circle so only got to read one person's comments. However we all became Facebook friends and have emailed each other, too. It has been fun to be a part of a group that shares a love of books like we do.  I really enjoyed being in the Sister Circles and hope to do it again.  Below is my review of The Story Keeper that I have put on several sites.

The Story Keeper Book Review

The Story Keeper by Lisa Wingate is an intriguing story within a story. The past and the present are woven together and the relationships are intertwined in unexpected ways.

The main character, Jen Gibbs, is a new editor for a major publishing house. She finds an old manuscript on her desk that captures her attention. Not only does the story grab hold of her, but the connection to her past scares her a bit. She ends up going back to more than she bargained for. She learns more than she expects. And she finds more than she dreamed of. It’s a journey filled with emotion, mystery, and hope.

The Story Keeper is filled with nuggets of truth, quotes you’ll want to keep. The stories are captivating and will give you an appreciation of all that life is.

 

 

Dreaming on Daisies Book Review

Dreaming on Daisies Book Review

While this book is the  4^th in the Love Blossoms in Oregon series, it could be read alone. However you will want to read the whole series so you can meet and get to know the varied characters in the story. Each character adds depth and personality to the story and makes you feel like you know the whole community.

I just finished reading Dreaming on Daisies by Miralee Ferrel. It is a story about a family that has its foundation in lies and secrets. Each member has their own resulting wounds and pain. Bitterness and pride get in the way of healing. This book touched me in ways it might not touch others because I have had some experience with feelings of abandonment as a couple of the characters in the book do. Mine was not the same as theirs,  but made me sensitive to their situations all the same. I could relate to their feelings. I could feel their pain and misunderstanding.

Things change in the book as a virtual stranger ends up living on the ranch and helping out,  and an unexpected romance develops with neither person sure they can trust enough to love. Conflicts arise, tempers flare, confrontations occur, and eventually through God’s grace,  healing begins in the way each of them needs.

Forgiveness is the catalyst for change and it made me think of those situations in which I need to forgive also. It is a moving story that will make you feel deeply. Sometimes I got frustrated with the characters just as I would if the person were real. And I rejoiced when they got it right! It was a good book, but you should read the whole series! It is a fun read and you will enjoy the whole community if you read them all.

Peter Gives Me Hope

I have heard the story of Peter, one of Jesus' disciples, many times. He always seemed bigger than life to me. I thought of him as impulsive, brash, and even too outspoken. I knew Jesus loved him and chose him. I knew after Jesus' death, resurrection, and ascension, that he became a real leader in the church. But it always irritated me that he denied Christ after Jesus told him that he would. Why wasn't he on guard? Why wasn't he more loyal?

We recently went to the Passion Play in Eureka Springs, Arkansas, and I saw a retelling of Jesus' last days on earth. I saw Peter deny Jesus three times and then look at Jesus and weep. He had said he wouldn't do it, that he would even die for him, but he then denied him. Just a few days ago in my Bible reading, I reread the story and felt all those feelings all over again. How could he do it? I know he loved Jesus and followed Him. Were the circumstances too much that he could not stand with Jesus?

I don't know all that Peter felt, but as I thought about this, I was eventually relieved by the story. Peter gives me hope. He, who knew Jesus personally, and was His friend and disciple, failed Jesus. And Jesus, who knew he would do it, forgave him. He, not only forgave him, but still used him mightily in building His church. He trusted him again. He found a purpose for him.

Now I could say that I have never denied him like Peter did, and that would be true. But to say I have never denied him would not be true. Every time I have failed to give God credit for what He has done, or I have not admitted I am a Christian, or shared His love with someone, I have denied Him. When I don't have time to pray or read His word, but call Him Lord, I am denying Him. I, too, am guilty.

But Peter gives me hope. If Jesus forgave him, he will forgive me, too. If Jesus was ready to use Peter in ministering to others, He can use me, too. I know He doesn't just give up on us, even if we sometimes give up on Him. He desires us to come back into relationship with Him and He wants us to be fulfilled in life. He is willing to pour into us, making us more than what we thought we could be.

I am thankful that God's Word doesn't just tell success stories. It tells of real people with real problems, with real sins in their lives. And it tells how God changes them, works in and through them. Some of the heroes in the Bible were at first failures. God, in them, made a difference.

Peter is one of those people. He failed God, denying Jesus, but went on to make a difference in the church and the world. We, too, despite our failures in our walk with God, can be used by Him. Peter gives me hope.

Urgent vs. Important

Have you ever heard of tyranny of the urgent? Have you experienced it? How many times have you done something because you had to, not because you wanted to or even had planned to? So many times we do whatever we do because we feel obligated to or are forced to. We deal with the urgent because it's, oh so, urgent.

What is the urgent? What is so necessary that we have to act on it now? And do we always do what is urgent rather than what is truly important? How do we choose which priority we accomplish?

Does someone else's crisis always constitute a crisis for us? If a friend is desperate for help, do we just drop everything and go help? If the church calls and has no teachers for Sunday School, do we agree to it because no one else is? If your child needs money, do you do all that is possible to save the situation? Do you do anything for a parent, sibling, or other relative?

When do you say yes? When do you say no? For some people, it is really hard to say no because it could hurt someone. But do you always say yes so as to not disappoint someone? What is a good justification for saying no?

I have struggled with this because I am a care giver so I want to help others. Sometimes I have a hard time figuring out who to say yes to because more than one thing pulls at me. What do I do if more than one of my children want me to babysit for my grandchildren at the same time? Well, I said yes, and yes, and yes, and had 10 children under 7 for a whole weekend! Fortunately my daughters were home and available to help. But my saying yes impacted them, too.

So when do you say yes? For me, if I have no reason to say no, I usually say yes. That is not always the best way to make a decision. Sometimes there are other circumstances that I should take into account. For example, I may say yes to having company right after having been gone. Instead of enjoying a good time with company, I may be on edge or tired, trying to meet needs when I wasn't adequately prepared to. I did this a few years back, hosting  a teacher and students for a few days after I had been gone on vacation. I didn't feel ready. I was exhausted and I did not feel like I was a good host. Or I have had people over when my own children had needs I should have been meeting. I also have committed to doing things when I could/should have been doing things with my husband or others. Some of my commitments have, out of necessity, included other family members when it was not what they necessarily wanted to do.

I also have done things because one of my children has committed to something and needed me to be there as well. Sometimes that has been just fine and sometimes it has taken away from something else.

What I feel like I need to do is to weigh my priorities when asked to do something. God is my first priority and doing His will is important to me. Next is my husband and family. Friends, church, work, and other commitments follow that. So I need to look at what I am agreeing to and see how it fits in with my priorities. And I need to weigh also what could suffer if I do what I am being asked to do.

Will my priorities get out of whack if I choose this?

The other things I need to consider are whether the activity or commitment uses my gifts and talents. Am I doing what God made me to do? Or am I just doing what everyone else thinks I should do? I need to be who God wants first or I lose myself. I also have to consider my time and resources. Some things are good, but will wear me out so I am not good for anything else. Doing what is not right for me can really be a chore and make me weary. Occasionally we will be asked to do something way out of our comfort zone and that can be good if it is from God. We learn to trust Him more and He will bless our obedience. So prayer is a big thing. I try not to say yes (at least for the big things) unless I have prayed. I would like to say I pray about all of them, but I am prone to act on impulse occasionally.

So should the tyranny of the urgent rule your life's choices? I think not, but it will at times. You have to take care of young children. You have to cook and eat and take care of your health. Many things just have to be done.  However with prayer and planning, you can make better choices and maybe not feel so overwhelmed. You can say no. And when you say yes, it will be to the right things. You will be choosing to do His will and be who He created you to be.

I am still learning how to do this. It's a lifelong process. Don't give up!

 

I'm Sorry - The Fine Art of Apologizing

I’m Sorry- The Fine Art of an Apology

                It seems to me our society has forgotten how to apologize, how to simply say I am sorry.  Is it because we don’t think we have to? Or can’t we humble ourselves to admit we are wrong? Are we afraid someone will think less of us if we admit to failing in some area? What is it that keeps us from apologizing? Don’t we know how?

                Apologizing is so simple, but so hard. It is simple to say the words, but harder to always feel and empathize with the one who feels wronged. Yet an apology allows the hurt person to feel validated in their hurt. It gives them the freedom to feel their pain and to be acknowledged in it. It also gives them the opportunity to forgive. Apologizing is the beginning of healing in the heart of conflict.

                Sometimes when we hear, "I am sorry”, from someone, we question the sincerity of the apology, and rightly so. A quick “I’m sorry” can be an easy way out. When our children were young, we wouldn’t let them just say ”Sorry…” We made them say “I am sorry. I was wrong to…” and they had to fill in what they had done. We didn’t just want an insincere apology. We wanted them to admit they were wrong and have it be a real acknowledgement of what they had done. They didn’t like doing it, but it taught them why we say I am sorry. Too often an apology is just an easy way out and it doesn’t fix anything. But if it is followed with an admittance of doing wrong and repentance, a turning from the wrong, it goes a long way towards making it better. We all have heard, “Sorry you feel that way” or “Sorry you are hurt”, but neither of those recognize the part you played in the hurt. It places all the hurt and blame on the other person. Even if an apology is not accepted, a sincere apology is the still the right thing to do.

                I recently had someone do something that hurt me. It wasn’t intentional so I wasn’t angry over what had happened. The consequences of their actions caused me some real distress and they never said they were sorry. It wasn’t a big deal to them so they ignored it even though they should have known it hurt me. I had trusted them with something and even if it wasn’t important to them, they knew it mattered to me. I just wanted a simple. “I am sorry. I wish that wouldn’t have happened.” When I am ignored when I have been hurt, it feels like my pain is stupid and shouldn’t be there, but it is. For right now, what happened hurts our relationship. I will get over it even if I never hear the words. I will forgive. But it will always be there, only a thought away. I will keep that thought from rising and will get past it eventually. I have to because the relationship is more important than the hurt. It is more important than what I lost. God will give me the grace to deal with it just as I know He has extended that grace to me over and over.

                Apologies are important in relationships, but so is forgiveness. And forgiveness is not contingent on the apology. Sometimes it has to be given before an apology is offered or even if one never comes. Forgiveness heals the hurt person, keeping bitterness from their heart.  Sometimes it takes time, sometimes it takes space. But always it brings healing in the long run.

                Apologizing may be a lost art for now. But it can be learned. Little children can be taught to say I am sorry. Adults can learn to do it, too. It may be harder for them, but practice helps. It gets easier as you learn to do it. Be sincere and say it to someone you have hurt or may have hurt. Let the healing begin. If you begin today, the fine art of apologizing will not be lost.

Separation Anxiety

My youngest daughter is off to camp this week. Though we have been apart for 5-6 days before, this is the first time she has not had the means to contact me or for me to contact her. It is a separation of the toughest kind for both of us. I have no doubt she will be busy and will even enjoy her absence more than I will. But I want her to have the opportunity, the experience to be her without me around.

She is 13, a new teen. Many feel sorry for me as I enter the teen phase of parenting again. Yet I am thoroughly enjoying it and her. Maybe because we are a homeschooling family that spends most of our time together, maybe she is just extraordinary, but I like my teen. I like spending time with her. That doesn't mean we never clash; we do. But we really do get along and we like doing things together. She is a blessing to me. She keeps me young, doing things I maybe wouldn't ordinarily do in my 50's.

My teen likes to try things so I am sure this will be the first of many times when I will have to let her go beyond my comfort zone. Parenting is training, teaching, and then letting go as they live out what they have learned. It doesn't always go the way you hope. Children don't always learn what you taught. I know this because I am not a novice in this parenting thing. I have 5 adult children, too. Sometimes I revel in the fact that my adult children are teaching their children what I taught them. Sometimes I grieve when the lessons most important to me are ignored now in their adult lives. But the one thing I have learned is to never give up on them and to never quit praying for them. No matter where they go or what they do, they will never escape a mother's prayers.

So as I suffer separation anxiety from my daughter, I am praying often. I am praying she has fun, I want her to meet some new friends. I am hoping she is loving riding horse as I once did. I am praying that her faith will grow and she will be challenged to live it in a new way. And as a mom, I am praying she eats well, sleeps well, and doesn't get hurt or sick. I also don't want her to miss us too much. Her tender heart will be thinking of us.

Separation is hard, but is a learning step for all of us. I am leaving her in God's hands (a million times a day!) and she is learning to trust God in new situations. It is a growing time and we will both better appreciate each other again. It is good because of these things, but I am really looking forward to Friday!

Volunteering

Volunteering

I am often in the position of coordinating volunteers for different things. Sometimes that is a very difficult job. Even when I have a potential volunteer list, it can be tough to get people to commit.  Often it is the last moment before they say yes. Often it is after several emails and/or phone calls.  When I have to make several contacts several times, it makes my job so much tougher. It also takes more time.

I know people are busy. I know people have varying other priorities. And I know sometimes they have to say no. I understand those things. But I also know people can do what they really want to do. I also believe more of us need to be giving of our time and talents to things we believe in.

I know when I volunteer in areas that are important to me, I usually meet other like-minded people and some of them have become friends over the years. I also feel a sense of satisfaction for contributing to a cause I believe in. I feel empowered that I can make a difference even in a small way.  It fills me up to show others I care.

There are so many ways you can volunteer. There are so many needs out there. Some of the areas you can volunteer in are lots of fun, too.

What are your passions? What do you love?  What wrong do you want to change? What do you enjoy? What kind of things are you good at? Where could you make a difference?

If, and when, you do sign up to volunteer, tell them what you’re willing to do. Give them an idea of how much time you can give. Tell them when you are able to do it. Don’t make them beg you to do it. It is so hard to be in the position of asking over and over for people to help.

If you serve with a willing spirit, it is such a blessing to everyone involved. Serving grudgingly is still service, but steals the joy from it. If you really can’t or don’t want to, don’t let the person asking ask again and again before you say no. Say no if that’s what you are really planning to do anyway. Then you won’t be irritated by the persistent asking and the person calling won’t have to repeat their call and waste theirs and your time.

Volunteering is expected in our family. It is something we do. All of our adult children still do it as they grew up with it and knew it as a part of their lives. It can enrich your life, provide you with interesting opportunities, and give you new people in your life. It is worthwhile. It is rewarding.

Next time you see a need, surprise someone and ask how you can help. You don’t have to wait to be asked. If you are asked, seriously consider saying yes. You don’t have to say yes every time, but try it! Just do it! Volunteer with a smile and enjoy the experience.

 

The Myth of Happily Ever After

The Myth of Happily Ever After

                I read a lot. I always have. As a child, I was read to when I wasn’t able to read for myself, but then I devoured everything in the house, at school and at the library. My favorite stories were the fairy tales like Beauty and the Beast, family stories like Heidi, Little House on the Prairie, Little Women, and animal stories like Black Beauty and Beautiful Joe. I liked romance stories like the Love Comes Softly series. I enjoyed happily ever after.

I expected real life to mirror all my favorite stories. I thought families almost always got along. Families were supposed to like each and like being together. They would sacrifice anything and everything for each other. Even when animals were mistreated, someone would save them. Trials came and it made the people stronger. In the romance stories, couples fell in love and lived happily ever after.

                I grew up and married my own Prince Charming. We didn’t just live happily ever after. We had problems, illness, trials, and sometimes it was hard. Marriage was difficult at times. But it was still good. It is still good. It just isn’t a fairy tale. It’s real life.

Families don’t always get along. They don’t even always like each other. Sometimes they split up and refuse to be there for each other. I actually like the fantasy world here better because I hate to be disappointed. I want everyone to get along and to enjoy each other’s company. I like family get- togethers and family parties. I want my family to be one that they could write a book about and people would be impressed by. But again I live in real life and not everyone gets along. Not everyone wants to be together. I am saddened by this, but I can’t change what others do or want. Real life does disappoint; relationships do, too. But some relationships surpass stories and are a real blessing.

Pets can be wonderful, but sometimes they are more work than wonderful. I have had pets that delight, and I have had pets that I can barely tolerate. I have been bitten and I have been loved immeasurably with unmerited devotion. I have had blind pets, deaf pets, sick pets, and pets I wish I didn’t have. Some were extraordinary; some were a pain. They were not all loyal like in the books, but some were.

Since real life has taught me that not every story has a ‘happily ever after’ ending, do I quit reading? Am I disheartened by the fact that real life isn’t the same as the stories I have read all my life? No, I don’t quit reading. I still love to read, to escape into a fantasy world of another place, another time, another’s story. I get to experience things I wouldn’t otherwise get a chance to try. I can have a mini vacation, a diversion or distraction from real life.

‘Happily Ever After’ may be a myth. It may be a fantasy. It may only be a dream. It may be where your imagination takes flight and it makes you smile, relax, or let go. As long as you don’t let it disappoint, as long as you know life is never perfect, accept the myth. Find a way to claim as much as is possible. Strive towards it. Know that while life is not perfect and happily ever after may not exist in this world, life can be good, very good indeed. True ‘happily ever after’ will only be in Heaven.