Review: Before We Were Yours by Lisa Wingate

Before We Were Yours by Lisa Wingate

                Before We Were Yours is a fictional account of a story that really happened. From 1924-1950, approximately 5000 children were stolen and then adopted out to wealthy families.  This story makes it real as it follows a poor family who loses its children and its identity through this horrible racket. It follows the children into adulthood and shows the real consequences that each face because of the tragedy they lived through.

                Because I am an adoptive mother myself, this story touched me deeply on many levels. The loss, the hopelessness, the frustrations felt by the characters are so real. I lived the story with the characters. They stay with you for a long time.

The story switches from the past story to a present story because a granddaughter researches it because of an old photograph. We see how the past influences the present and the future. Though the story has so much pain in it, the story does not leave you hopeless. The conclusion fills you with grace and hope. Life does move forward and love can prevail.

                I recommend this book for its realness and for its deep emotional pull. I keep thinking about the characters and the many children and families who went through this difficult time.  Before We Were Yours speaks about adoption, orphans, elderly, and the human story with authenticity and weaves love and grace into it so it becomes a story you will want to savor and read again.

I Am Blessed

I Am Blessed

                I recently bought a charm for a necklace that said I am Blessed. But I never wore it. After buying it, I read a blog post about being blessed. And I didn’t want to proclaim I was blessed anymore. I have since read more similar posts, and being blessed or, at least, proclaiming it seemed like a negative thing.

                Many equate blessing with material possessions or having things. If you have a lot, you are blessed. So if you don’t, are you not blessed? Does God love you more if you have more?

                I have always called my children blessings from the Lord. So are childless couples less blessed?

                What does blessing mean? How are you blessed? I recently heard a sermon on Ephesian 1 that put it back into perspective for me. Ephesians 1:3 says Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places,… When I say I am blessed, I am talking about spiritual blessings. It is what God has done for me.  I am not bragging; I am giving God the glory. I am grateful. I am acknowledging all God has done. I am not thinking about material things. I am thinking of my spiritual blessings.

                How am I blessed with spiritual blessings? Ephesians 1 goes on to tell us more. He chose us. He adopted us as his children into his family. He redeemed us. He bought us with a price. Jesus died so we might have life eternal instead of punishment. He forgave us. He has made us His. He has given us purpose and has equipped us to do what He want us to do. We have an inheritance. We are sealed with the Holy Spirit. God claims us as His own. Those are our spiritual blessings.

                I am blessed. In Christ I have life and love and hope. I have joy because of all Christ has done for us. I have peace. I have the assurance of eternal life in Heaven when I die. He gives me the strength to live through the hard times and to face all the difficulties life brings. I belong to the family of God. My identity and future are in God’s hands. I don’t need to hide that I am blessed. I do not need to be ashamed to proclaim it. I may have to explain what I mean, but I will say it. My blessings are from God. My blessings are spiritual blessings. I am blessed!

Truth and Honesty-Vows

Truth and Honesty-Vows

I have always known that I value truth and honesty. I also value loyalty. I could never tolerate lies. For me to have a relationship, I need people I can trust. When I have been lied to, I feel betrayed. When someone is not loyal, I am hurt.  I work hard to not be deceitful in any way. My honesty has gotten me in trouble at times, too. Many people do not want to hear the truth about a lot of things. I used to feel the need to enlighten people with the truth and it wasn’t well received. I felt a need to share it regardless of the consequences. Later I learned to season the truth with grace and gentleness. Still later I learned sometimes to just be quiet. It isn’t my job to convict or judge. Sometimes it is our job to hold people accountable, but is it for our sake or theirs? I have struggled to always understand my part when there is a wrong that I see. Am I participating in it when I let it go? I see things more black and white than others. Because honesty is a core value for me, I weigh relationships, conversations, actions, and more in the light of it. And because loyalty for me is a close second, if people are not honest with me, I doubt their loyalty. After doubting those two things, there is not much room for relationship.

Fortunately because I have a relationship with Christ and because He has forgiven me much, I have his love and forgiveness in my heart for those who have wronged me or others that I love. That keeps me from becoming hardened or bitter. I can pray for them and love them and want the best for them.

I have learned much about myself in the past few years through some difficulties we have gone through. Three of my children have broken their wedding vows. So far, two are divorced. Another may be yet this year. Besides the obvious reasons this has distressed us, there is so much more here for me that hurts. I hate how it has hurt my grandchildren. I hate how it has caused distress for them. I see their pain, their misunderstandings, their loss, their grief. Financial situations change. Holidays change. Family dynamics change. It is a hard road to walk as an adult, but tougher yet for the children as they are the innocent victims in it all. They have no say in all the changes and get forced to deal with things that they should not have to. They have seen things they should not have to see and heard things they should not have to hear. They have doubts and insecurities about life because those they trust are not always trustworthy. And there it is again. Truth and loyalty were tossed aside for something else and all the relationships suffered. The parents don’t trust each other, nor have they been loyal or faithful. The children can’t trust the parents to always be there for them as they watch the broken relationship with their parents. The loss of trust and loyalty affects the whole family.

When you go to a wedding, one of the most beautiful parts of the ceremony is when the couple pledges their lives to each other in the wedding vows. It can be said in traditional ways or in their own words. They look at one another and not only pledge love, but how they will live their lives together. Most always it is ‘til death do us part. It is a vow, a promise, and a commitment. It is not to be taken lightly. It is before God and man. It is before witnesses. It is similar to a contract. It is right and good.

Today’s culture does not see this promise in the same light as previously. Divorce is easier and is not seen as a failure as it once was. It happens often and often more than once. People accept it more readily. It just happens. It is not looked down on.

But the loss of trust and loyalty that precipitates divorce changes families. It has changed culture. It has changed people. Until I have watched this in my own family, I did not fully understand it all.  I didn’t even know how important those wedding vows were. As I have watched these vows be broken by my children, and have watched their marriages disintegrate and their children be hurt, I have recognized the significance of them. Love is important in the wedding vows, ceremony, and in life, but loyalty and truth must be valued as well. Love is the easy part, the wonderful feelings of enjoying each other. Loyalty and truthfulness, faithfulness, though, are what will get you through in the long haul. They will be the working out of the marriage, of the living together. It’s what you will live with in the every days of life. You may always love each other. You may have feelings for each other. But when you promise, commit, vow to be there for that spouse, it means you will be truthful and loyal, faithful and committed. You will stick it out through the good and bad, through sickness and health. You will support each other’s dreams and hopes. You will stand beside them in their failures and disappointments. You will uphold them in their trials. You will laugh with them and enjoy life together. You will walk the same road in life together. You will share life. You will share all of life, the good and bad.

                Truth and honesty are core values and, when they are valued, relationships have a firmer foundation. Families are stronger.  We need to return to making truth, honesty, faithfulness, integrity, loyalty important to our children, our spouses, and our family members. We would all benefit from it and maybe there would be fewer broken marriages and families.

John 8:32   and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.                                                                                            

1 Corinthians 13:6  (Love) does not rejoice at wrong doing, but rejoices at the truth.                                                                     

1 John 3:18  Little children, let us not love in word or talk, but in deed and in truth.                                                              

Psalm 86:11  Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth, unite my heart to fear your name.

Empty Nest Practice

Empty Nest Practice

                This past Sunday, my husband and I went to church alone. We went out to brunch alone. We went for a motorcycle ride. We had a bonfire alone. On Saturday, we dropped off our youngest daughter at camp to work there for most of the summer and our other daughter was on the way to Michigan for a week long leadership camp that she was being trained at. We had lunch alone and shopped a bit. We ate leftovers and had a quiet evening.

                For 35 years we have had children with us everyday. We have gone away for anniversary trips, meals out, and other things. Rarely have we gone to church without children. And a whole week at home without some of them probably has never happened.

                But we survived! We more than survived! We liked it. I will admit it-we did talk about our children and our grandchildren. They are our reality. They are what has given my life purpose and joy for many years. That doesn’t stop. They are a part of me, both of us. But my husband and I had fun together! We laughed, talked, shared… It was good! It was very good!

                We still like each other. We are still friends who enjoy doing things together. We can ‘date’ without all the awkwardness of dating. We know each other well and appreciate each other. We can easily choose to do things we both enjoy. We have a give and take that flows effortlessly.

                I am so glad we have nurtured our relationship through the years. We have made each other a priority. We do not take each other for granted. We give gifts. We like romance. Even if it is only a walk after supper, we try to find moments for each other. We share our days, our frustrations, our joys, our hopes and dreams. We plan together. We listen to each other.

                I won’t pretend we have a perfect relationship. No one does. But we have kept our relationship a priority. We forgive, we hold tight to our vows, our commitment. We have our faith as a foundation and it keeps us centered on what is good and right. We fight for each other. We protect our relationship and each other. We do not talk bad about each other. We look for the good.

                And it is good! We will survive and thrive in the empty nest because we like each other as well as love each other. And we are practicing well right now. We have more plans to do more together. It will be a good week. I am looking forward to it.

But I still miss my girls…   J

I Don't Want To Be the 'Candy Grandma'

After babysitting for four of my grandchildren, my daughter-in-law shared that when she stayed with one of her grandmas, she was always given treats. She called that grandma the 'candy grandma'. My older granddaughter got the giggles and said that I would be that grandma because I always had candy and treats for them.

We laughed about it, but after they left, I decided I didn't like the idea of the 'candy grandma'. That is not what I want to be known as. I want to be so much more. But yes, I will always have candy and treats for my grandchildren.

My dad always had tootsie rolls and gum in his pockets for my children. He occasionally brought donuts in the mornings. He would play heads and tails with a quarter and my kids always won the quarter. He made memories with them. He also gardened with them and taught them you could laugh as you worked.

My grandma let me drink hot tea with her and I still drink it to this day. I never learned to drink coffee. My grandchildren drink hot tea in the mornings in special small cups when they are here for breakfast. We even have sugar cubes! They drink iced tea all day long because we have it.

I cook with some of my grandchildren or I cook special meals and treats for them. Some of them like to sew with me. I read to them, always a Bible story before bed. I try to listen to them, no matter what they have to say. We pray together, too.

Their two aunties play games with them, blow bubbles, swing, go for walks, and do crafts with them. Their grandpa gives rides on the four-wheeler or tractor. We do bonfires and roast marshmallows. We try to give them memories and the freedom to do different things than at home.

I want our home to be a fun place, a safe place, a place where they know they are loved unconditionally. They have a place to sleep. They have special blankets and more. I want them to be comfortable here with us. I want them to know they can always come to us.

I don't want to be the candy grandma. I want to be the grandma who they knew loved them, cherished them and cared for them. I want them to know Jesus' love through me. I want them to know they are my joy!

My Word for the Year

Here it is April already and the middle, not the beginning, and I am just now picking my word for the year! I never did resolutions or goals this year either. Instead I just survived.

In March I turned 60! How did that happen? I couldn't be that old. I still have an almost 16 year old at home... I thought as I got older, I would get wiser. And yet the reality is that I continually realize how much more I have to learn. Sometimes that learning comes from someone younger, too.

I have had a rough couple of years. There has been a divorce in our family, another one is likely, and we have lost some incredible people in our lives. I also am dealing with some health issues. Plus we are busy. We are busy with homeschooling, co-op, family, grandchildren, church, politics, ministry, and life. Most of it is good! Some of it is hard. I always have a spinning mind of what to do next.

Consequently I don't always give my full attention to things or people. I get distracted. I multitask continuously. I am always thinking ahead. But it has become a fault. I am never fully in the moment. I didn't even realize it until I hurt my youngest daughter. I was not paying attention. I was not hearing her. I was not responding appropriately to her needs. I wounded her by my inattention.

It was not intentional. But it was just as wrong. And I didn't even know how often I was doing it. Even as I was giving a hug, my mind had moved onward. It wasn't just with her; it was becoming a habit with everyone and everything. While I was patting myself on the back for my multitasking, I was being selfish. I was not embracing the present, the gift of now.

I apologized to my daughters and have intentionally tried to pay attention to what I am doing, who I am with.

So my word for the rest of the year is to FOCUS! Focus on what is happening now, who I am with, what I am doing. I need to focus, to be specific. I need to live in the moment, enjoying God's gifts to me today, this hour, this moment.

So my life lesson came from my teen and young adult daughters. I have told them to remind me lest I forget, Say it: FOCUS! Don't miss out. Focus!

Simplicity Learned on Vacation

Simplicity Learned on Vacation

                I know vacation is different than real life/everyday life, but it made me think about what I really need to do life and enjoy it. I was camping so I had to have all the basics with me. I needed a lot less than I do at home.

To start with, we had food with and the basic utensils to cook with including an electric fry pan, a microwave, and a cookstove and grill. We had plates, cups, bowls, silverware and various cooking utensils. I probably take more utensils than some people do because I like having an apple corer with as well as my favorite bread knife. I have certain items I like that make cooking easier for me.

                We sleep in sleeping bags and have pillows and blankets as each prefers. I have a reading light so I can read as late as I like without having lights left on. We are comfortable. We have heat and air conditioning if we need it.

We all brought books with us as well as a Bible and some magazines. We have 2 computers with and a DVD player. These were for downtimes, before bed, and for the long car rides. We spent a lot of time in the car. When we could, we hiked, visited people, went to museums, and various other activities.

We did bring a fair amount of clothes as we were in a wide temperature range. We left home and it was in the 20’s and we were in temps close to 90 later with everything in between. That also presented the dilemma of multiple shoes! We brought sandals and boots. We needed shoes to hike in, walk in, and dress up a bit. Plus we like variety!

Our camper is not big. It has room for 4 to sleep in and a small bathroom/shower. It does not have a table, but has counter space to cook on or do dishes, etc. It doesn’t have much in it that is decorative; it is mostly functional.

Yet it was enough. We didn’t miss many of our belongings. We were content. We were satisfied. It has made me think about all we surround ourselves with. What of it do we need? Which things are important to us? What would we replace if something happened to it?

I have a very nice home- one filled with things I love. But do I need all those wonderful things? If something happened to me, would they be a burden to those I left them to? I feel I need to take another look at my home and really think about what is important to me. I need to think about downsizing and keeping only what I use or love. This is not a new concept. It is something you can find multiple books about and can find multiple internet sites devoted to. I know because I have read them, but it became personal when I went on this vacation and realized how little I can live with and live well with.

Let’s get real here though. I can’t downsize to a tiny house or live as a minimalist. I have 6 children, 16 grandchildren and many guests. I am involved in ministry and my daughters have various commitments that mean storing things for other groups. I baby sit those grandchildren and have overnight guests. I can’t get rid of everything. But I can simplify. Maybe…

It is a task I will try to work on this spring. My spring cleaning will be more intentional and I will work to see what I can change. I don’t want to leave behind a legacy of too much stuff that my children will be dismayed about. I want to leave behind a legacy that says I loved them, enough to not leave too much stuff.

Review- A Fragile Hope by Cynthia Ruchti

Review- A Fragile Hope by Cynthia Ruchti

A Fragile Hope is a story of a married couple in crisis. While the underlying crisis is within their marriage, it becomes much more in the midst of a medical crisis.  It is also complicated by the fact that the husband is a relationship expert and doesn’t even realize his own relationship is in crisis. He only realizes it when he gets the call that his wife is in the hospital from a car accident after trying to leave him.  As he tries to unravel where she was going, with whom, and why, he is deeply hurt and confused. The answers lie with his wife who cannot tell him anything. He must wrestle with the pain of his confusion and hurt, but more so with himself. How can he not have a good marriage? How could his wife have been leaving him? Aren’t the solutions he provides for everyone else truth for their own marriage, too? He must also face that his wife may not live and how he is going to stand with her through her long hospitalization. What will be his priorities now? He faces some tough questions about himself, his wife and his future. How will he find the answers?

The characters have real hurts, dilemmas, and pain. We feel it with them. We struggle with them through their crisis. It becomes very real to the reader.

While the crisis feels real, and oftentimes heavy, there are lessons learned. Past hurts become obstacles to surviving this crisis, but hope comes in many different unexpected ways. Hope becomes the strength that makes survival possible.  Faith gives hope its root to grow. We are not left in the crisis, but see forgiveness, faith, and hope transcend it to bring real healing on many levels in many ways.

A Fragile Hope is a story that will touch your emotions and heart. You will feel with the characters, but your own life will be challenged and inspired by this story.

Parenting Adult Children

Parenting Adult Children

                Once you become a parent, you are always a parent. That doesn’t change. You, however, are forever changed when you become a parent. You become consumed with a love for that child that is different than anything you have ever felt before. You become more selfless. You want the best for your child. I know there are exceptions to this, but God created us to love our offspring and to want to bring them up to be productive, successful adults. Once we become responsible for another human being, you never completely let that go. Your love binds you together forever.

                Thus, the dilemma. Children grow up and become adults. And parents go on being parents.  The appropriate letting go and still loving and being there for them can be a conflict. I know I do not always do it well. I am not sure I have ever done it well.

                Because they are your children, you want to protect them and help them to not go through the bad things life has set before them. Yet they need to experience life and all its consequences. It hurts to watch your child hurt. But often hurts are what teach the greatest lessons.

                What is the balance? I have not learned it yet. I may never. I want to love my children well. I want to be involved in their lives. I want to help them, but not enable bad decisions. I want to encourage and lift them up, but not unnecessarily praise everything. I want to hold them accountable, but not criticize them or break their spirit. I want to offer them hope, but not false hope with no foundation. I want them to see my faith is real, but I am still a sinner. I am a sinner, but I am forgiven. I am redeemed in spite of all my flaws. What good I have to offer comes only from God. I want them to know God and His goodness and love towards them. I want them to have a relationship with Jesus more than I want a relationship with them.  

                So I can offer my love, my prayers, my life, to my children. But they may not want any of it. I know that rejection. Yet still I will offer it. I love them, these adult children of mine. I will always be their mom. Nothing changes that.

Marriage Insight

Marriage Insight

                I was reading a book on marriage and started thinking about my marriage: the ups, the downs,  the expectations and hopes, the reality of how it has played out. So I had this brilliant idea to ask my spouse what his biggest disappointments were. I am not sure now what was behind this. Did I really want to know so I could try to fix what I could? Or was it just an opportunity for me to get to tell him mine?

                I thought about it and never actually did it because I realized it could be a very non-productive conversation. Why would we want to focus on disappointments when there were so many things that were good and positive in our marriage? We could look at things we want to change or grow in, but getting stuck in the disappointments seemed like a way to potentially hurt each other. I knew we could not undo the past, so why focus on that?

                The more I thought about my disappointments though, I realized they were more my failings than my spouse’s. The things I could look back on and feel disheartened about were my fault, too. My biggest disappointment was that we didn’t spend enough time together. My husband likes to come home from work, eat supper, and then go to his shop and work on things. Over the years, I have felt neglected, left out, and sometimes alone. But did I ever voice that to him? I knew he needed downtime so I let it be. I filled the time with my children, movies, books, or something. At times, I got resentful, but he was usually fixing something, making extra money, or taking care of something. So I got used to it. I quit hoping for more time. I quit expecting it. I acted like it didn’t matter. But it did.

                It mattered. Because it was what I thought of as my biggest disappointment. Maybe it is his, too. I never asked. But I decided if it were so important to me, I could do something about it, too. I could suggest dates. I could find time to do something with him. I could initiate spending time with him. He has never rejected me or pushed me aside for other things. We just get busy doing our own thing. So instead of complaining, I want to be the force for change. I can communicate better about my need to be with him. I need quality time. I can make it happen. I think my spouse will be pleasantly surprised because it is a win-win situation. When I put effort into making our marriage better, it is good for both of us. We both come out ahead. Each of us is happier when our marriage is good.

                So I won’t ask about his biggest disappointment. I may ask about what dreams he still has or about plans for our future. That is something we can work on together. We can’t go back , but we can move forward loving each other and doing well for each other as we do well for our marriage.