I'm Sorry - The Fine Art of Apologizing

I’m Sorry- The Fine Art of an Apology

                It seems to me our society has forgotten how to apologize, how to simply say I am sorry.  Is it because we don’t think we have to? Or can’t we humble ourselves to admit we are wrong? Are we afraid someone will think less of us if we admit to failing in some area? What is it that keeps us from apologizing? Don’t we know how?

                Apologizing is so simple, but so hard. It is simple to say the words, but harder to always feel and empathize with the one who feels wronged. Yet an apology allows the hurt person to feel validated in their hurt. It gives them the freedom to feel their pain and to be acknowledged in it. It also gives them the opportunity to forgive. Apologizing is the beginning of healing in the heart of conflict.

                Sometimes when we hear, "I am sorry”, from someone, we question the sincerity of the apology, and rightly so. A quick “I’m sorry” can be an easy way out. When our children were young, we wouldn’t let them just say ”Sorry…” We made them say “I am sorry. I was wrong to…” and they had to fill in what they had done. We didn’t just want an insincere apology. We wanted them to admit they were wrong and have it be a real acknowledgement of what they had done. They didn’t like doing it, but it taught them why we say I am sorry. Too often an apology is just an easy way out and it doesn’t fix anything. But if it is followed with an admittance of doing wrong and repentance, a turning from the wrong, it goes a long way towards making it better. We all have heard, “Sorry you feel that way” or “Sorry you are hurt”, but neither of those recognize the part you played in the hurt. It places all the hurt and blame on the other person. Even if an apology is not accepted, a sincere apology is the still the right thing to do.

                I recently had someone do something that hurt me. It wasn’t intentional so I wasn’t angry over what had happened. The consequences of their actions caused me some real distress and they never said they were sorry. It wasn’t a big deal to them so they ignored it even though they should have known it hurt me. I had trusted them with something and even if it wasn’t important to them, they knew it mattered to me. I just wanted a simple. “I am sorry. I wish that wouldn’t have happened.” When I am ignored when I have been hurt, it feels like my pain is stupid and shouldn’t be there, but it is. For right now, what happened hurts our relationship. I will get over it even if I never hear the words. I will forgive. But it will always be there, only a thought away. I will keep that thought from rising and will get past it eventually. I have to because the relationship is more important than the hurt. It is more important than what I lost. God will give me the grace to deal with it just as I know He has extended that grace to me over and over.

                Apologies are important in relationships, but so is forgiveness. And forgiveness is not contingent on the apology. Sometimes it has to be given before an apology is offered or even if one never comes. Forgiveness heals the hurt person, keeping bitterness from their heart.  Sometimes it takes time, sometimes it takes space. But always it brings healing in the long run.

                Apologizing may be a lost art for now. But it can be learned. Little children can be taught to say I am sorry. Adults can learn to do it, too. It may be harder for them, but practice helps. It gets easier as you learn to do it. Be sincere and say it to someone you have hurt or may have hurt. Let the healing begin. If you begin today, the fine art of apologizing will not be lost.

Separation Anxiety

My youngest daughter is off to camp this week. Though we have been apart for 5-6 days before, this is the first time she has not had the means to contact me or for me to contact her. It is a separation of the toughest kind for both of us. I have no doubt she will be busy and will even enjoy her absence more than I will. But I want her to have the opportunity, the experience to be her without me around.

She is 13, a new teen. Many feel sorry for me as I enter the teen phase of parenting again. Yet I am thoroughly enjoying it and her. Maybe because we are a homeschooling family that spends most of our time together, maybe she is just extraordinary, but I like my teen. I like spending time with her. That doesn't mean we never clash; we do. But we really do get along and we like doing things together. She is a blessing to me. She keeps me young, doing things I maybe wouldn't ordinarily do in my 50's.

My teen likes to try things so I am sure this will be the first of many times when I will have to let her go beyond my comfort zone. Parenting is training, teaching, and then letting go as they live out what they have learned. It doesn't always go the way you hope. Children don't always learn what you taught. I know this because I am not a novice in this parenting thing. I have 5 adult children, too. Sometimes I revel in the fact that my adult children are teaching their children what I taught them. Sometimes I grieve when the lessons most important to me are ignored now in their adult lives. But the one thing I have learned is to never give up on them and to never quit praying for them. No matter where they go or what they do, they will never escape a mother's prayers.

So as I suffer separation anxiety from my daughter, I am praying often. I am praying she has fun, I want her to meet some new friends. I am hoping she is loving riding horse as I once did. I am praying that her faith will grow and she will be challenged to live it in a new way. And as a mom, I am praying she eats well, sleeps well, and doesn't get hurt or sick. I also don't want her to miss us too much. Her tender heart will be thinking of us.

Separation is hard, but is a learning step for all of us. I am leaving her in God's hands (a million times a day!) and she is learning to trust God in new situations. It is a growing time and we will both better appreciate each other again. It is good because of these things, but I am really looking forward to Friday!