Until Death Do Us Part

Until Death Do Us Part

The final line in most marriage vows is “until death do us part.” What does that mean to the couples who promise it? Do most really understand that it is a promise for the rest of their lives? It doesn’t mean as long as I am happy. It doesn’t mean until I find someone else. It doesn’t mean unless I want my freedom. It means until one of them dies.

Marriage vows are a commitment, a promise made before God and witnesses. They should not be lightly taken. They should not be lightly broken.

Yet many marriages fail in our culture. Our society has accepted that marriages fail. Rather than work it out, it is easier to call it quits. We have accepted giving up. We no longer hold onto faithfulness and loyalty.

Even when there are children, marriage and family are not held sacred. More children live in broken homes with only one parent than ever before. Children are not reason enough to stay together.

I have long known these statistics, but now they have become personal. While I have never been divorced and never plan to, my children have. Several of my grandchildren are experiencing this. I am watching this. I am hurting because of it.

Divorce affects whole families, friends, and more. I have been told it is personal, only between the two parties involved. But that it is not true. The hurt and separation go much deeper than that. Friends often don’t know how to be loyal to both parties so the friendship changes. Family traditions and holidays change. Nothing remains the same. Children often have to live in two places. The stability and security of home and family is lost.

I hate it. God didn’t intend for it to happen. I never wanted to see it happen in my family. But it has. The pain and disappointment are huge. The stress is never ending. The grief of having a broken family breaks my heart daily.

My response is to love my grandchildren and to offer grace to their hurting parents. I will forgive and I will try to be there for them. I certainly don’t know how to do this and never wanted to. But this is my life and I must walk this road right now. With God’s help, I will find peace in the troubled times. I will seek His joy in the moments He gives me. And every day I pray and pray…

Thoughts on Marriage

Thoughts on Marriage

                The latest statistics on marriage show that fewer Americans are married now than ever before. Fewer get married. Many marry later than before. More end up in divorce.

Marriage used to be the foundation of the family. God used marriage as a picture of Christ’s relationship to the church. It was a good and positive thing. People valued the commitment they made and stuck it out even when it was hard. Even when their feelings failed them, they valued the vows they said before God and their witnesses. Now children grow up in single parent homes or with multiple parents and step-parents. Family traditions go by the way side and holidays are splintered events where they don’t know who to be with when. Life is hard for this generation of children without the stability of a two parent home.

I am currently watching a 2^nd and a 3^rd family close to me go through this. It affects so many. It isn’t just the couple or even the children, but the grandparents and other family members, too. It wreaks havoc on a family. The dynamics of even the extended family and community are changed. People are not sure how to react.  Marriage is a commitment to more than just the spouse, but it is also to future children and to those who witnessed and supported that marriage.

Marriage is not always easy. It is not always romantic. Sometimes it is hard and you have to deal with things you never thought you would. But you promised you would. “For richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse…” When it gets worse or poor, or sick, you promised. How good is your word?

Our marriage has not been perfect. No one’s is. But it has been good more than not. It has not always fulfilled my hopes and dreams. There are times I have not even enjoyed it. But God gave me a deep and abiding love for my husband and even in those tough times, I could cling to that. And if that were not enough, I could cling to God’s love. His love was enough. God’s love would always get me through and would always spill out so there was love enough for my husband.

I am not most important in my marriage. Even my husband isn’t. Our promise to each other is. The Bible says we become one flesh when we marry. I am united with my husband. We love and respect each other. We hold each other in high regard. We even want to serve one another. We honor God when we honor our vows.

My happiness is not the most important thing in our marriage either. I cannot expect my husband to make me happy. My spouse cannot fill the empty, lonely places in me. He cannot fulfill me.  We do enjoy one another. We like being together. We are best friends. I would choose him to be with and do things with before anyone else. (Usually!) We recognize and even celebrate our differences. But our true contentment comes from being in relationship with God. He gives us our joy. He fills us with peace. Give your spouse grace and don’t place unrealistic expectations on him/her. They are human like you.

Marriage is the ultimate test of character. It shows you who you really are. Can you sacrifice or are you really selfish? Are you willing to put aside some of your hopes, dreams, freedoms to make the relationship work? Will you think first and act afterwards? Will you love with a love like Christ’s? Can your love be patient, kind, not envious or boastful, not arrogant or rude, not insist on its own way, not irritable or resentful?  Does your love not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth? Can your love bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, and endure all things? (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)  Is your promise, your word good? Will you stand by what you said? Will others see your commitment as a witness of God’s love? Are you strong even in adversity?

I am saddened today by a culture that has devalued marriage. I have 2 unmarried daughters and I am disheartened by a world that has become so selfish as to only want what is easy and fun. I want to see a marriage revival where this institution is once again desired. I want it to be seen as good and even better. Ecclesiastes 4: 9 -12 says. “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone. And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him- a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”  There are advantages of having that life partner!

Our marriage is good because we choose for it to be. We have decided that nothing is more important. No issue, no circumstance, no person will separate us. We are both willing to compromise. We both are willing to go above expectations to care for the other. We forgive. We spend time together, even doing things one of us does not enjoy as much as the other. We seek each other out. We talk. We communicate. We go out of our way for each other. We love each other. We look for ways to express it. We put romance back into our lives often. We have fun together. We try not to take advantage of the other one. We give each other the freedom to be different and to do different things. We hold each other accountable. We tell the truth. It is not always easy, but it is worth it.

Marriage is a good institution because it was created by God. He thought of it. He planned it. He hates divorce. He wants marriage to work. And I believe any marriage can work with His love guiding you and holding you together.