Who Am I? Peacemaker or Not?

Twice last month I was accused of trying to start a fight. It was from 2 different people about basically the same issue. I was deeply wounded. I was asking questions, trying to find my place in an awkward situation. One of the people believes it is not my place to be involved in the particular situation at all; the other was trying to avoid conflict. It hurt me because I don't want to start a fight. I would rather not be involved at all than to start a fight.

I have been part of family fights in the past and they can destroy families, even Christian families. I don't like unresolved conflict. I don't like broken relationships. I would like to see restoration and rebuilding in family relationships.

I see myself as a peacemaker. I will go to untold lengths to say, "I am sorry." I will try to mend relationships as much as possible. I have put myself in some difficult circumstances to try to heal relationships. I have been hurt over and over because I have tried too hard.

Yet when two people accused me of trying to start a fight, I thought to myself that others maybe don't see me as I see myself. I am a strong personality. I don't back down easily if I think someone in my family may get hurt or if my values will be compromised. I will stand for what I believe is right even if I may get hurt in it. I will defend those I love until I can't anymore. I am very loyal and get hurt when others are not. All those things could add up to the appearance of me being willing to start a fight. I guess if it's worth fighting for, I will.

So does that mean I am not a peacemaker? I rarely hold grudges and I forgive fairly easily. Does that mean I am a peacemaker? I "strive for peace with everyone..." (Hebrews 12:14) But that doesn't mean it is always achieved. I may go to my grave not having that peace with my siblings or with a few others. I long for it. I try to bring it to pass, but I can not change how someone else feels about me.

I may not know if I truly am a peacemaker or if that is just my hope and dream to be so. Matthew 5:9 says, " Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God."  I want that, but am not sure if I will ever achieve it.

Yet I know who I am in Christ. He calls me a new creation. (2 Corinthians 5:17) I am adopted into the family of God. (Romans 8:15) I am saved. I am loved. I am alive. (Ephesians 2: 4-10) God is still working on me. (Philippians 1:6)

So even if I am not a peacemaker yet, I may one day be one. And if not, I still belong to God. I am His. And that is what fills my heart with joy over and over again.