Marriage Plans

Marriage Plans

My husband looked at me a few weekends ago and said, “We need to plan where the rest of our lives are going. I don’t want to live just doing the next thing or stuck in the same place.” Or something like that. I don’t remember the exact words.

I said, “OK! Let’s do it!” I agreed that nothing happens without plans so we should be intentional and do it.

His first ‘plan’ was to stay married to me for the rest of his life.  And he asked me if I ‘planned’ on that, too. I smiled and assured him that was always the plan!

When I laughed about it, he said, “What? Not everyone plans that!”

And he was right. Not everyone plans to stay married for a lifetime.  Some people believe the lie that marriage is supposed to make them happy, that a spouse will complete them. And when it doesn’t, they think have the right to move on. Many believe their personal happiness outweighs their duty, responsibility, and vows. During the marriage ceremony, a couple promises to stay married ‘til death do us part. They promise in sickness and in health, in poverty, and wealth, and more. Maybe they mean it at the time. Maybe they don’t totally think about what they have said. But half of marriages fail. Christian marriages are no different. This is a heartbreaking phenomenon that many children have to deal with. Broken homes are becoming the norm in many places. People are not living up to the commitment they have made. They have convinced themselves that their happiness is more important than fulfilling their commitment. They no longer care who is hurt by their lack of commitment to their own family.

I am watching someone I love go through this right now. I have already had a daughter go through divorce and also two close friends. I know others, too, who have experienced divorce and the break-up of a family. But when it was someone close, I saw the wounds that were created. I saw the after effects on the children. I saw the pain that went with all the changes. While the children do find a new normal, they never fully recover. It changes the relationships with the parents and with others. Often grandparents struggle to figure out what kind of relationship they can still have with their grandchildren.

In the midst of it, the people involved cannot see the big picture. Even if they have seen the negative effects of another divorce, they think it will be different for them. They rationalize that they will be better at handling all the difficulties and that they can minimalize them for their children. The reality is that it will affect them, their children, and their extended families. The effects are long lasting, too. While the children are forced to adjust to changes in their living situations, their emotions, trust, and security are forever altered. Holiday traditions and family celebrations will never be the same. The things children hold onto for their stability are just not there.

I know all these things. I have seen these things in the past. But now it is again personal, watching someone go through it that is close to me. The people struggling with this are people I love. I have already seen my daughter go through it and have watched grandchildren face all those changes and try to find their place after all the disruptions. She hurt them all and they still are unsure of their relationship with her. I never wanted to see it again or watch it happen again. The pain is like a weight that pushes down on you all the time. It never fully lets you go. It steals your joy and keeps you from full productivity on anything. It steals your breath away as you cannot understand all that is happening or what the people are thinking. You constantly wonder how it can be happening to them.  You see what they cannot see. And they think you are interfering when you try to help them see what they don’t want to see.

I am not good at sitting back and watching a crisis unfold in front of me. I want to confront. I want to talk and make them see the bigger picture. I want them to do what is right. I am not good at waiting. I do pray, but I want to know what is happening. I feel so helpless. I want to DO something.

So back to life plans… My husband was right. The first plan is to stay married the rest of our lives. We made a covenant before God and man to do that. And we are going to honor that commitment no matter what. We are going to love and honor each other. There are days we may not like each other or something the other has done. There may be days when we don’t agree with each other. We may have different goals or expectations, but we can always work it out. We love each other with a love that God gave us and it is strong enough to weather any trial. We will make it. We will make it good. We will enjoy it and will grow old together. I pray that for others, too.