What Happened to 2016?

It is the end of 2016. We are in the last month and I am amazed that I have blogged so little. When life gets hard, sometimes I become a turtle and hide in my shell. I would rather not engage because too many of my thoughts are too personal or too depressing. So rather than share, I dig deep. I think more. I read more. I socialize less. I watch more movies. Sometimes I cook more or not at all. I have trouble making decisions, even simple ones like what to wear or eat. So writing a blog post fell far down on the list and I have missed my mark. I have not made my goals. I did not fulfill my New Year's resolutions.

What happened? I have experienced loss in a way I never expected to and I grieve. Not grieved, grieve. Ongoing. Now. And some days I cope better than others.

Some days I create to forget my hurts. I have sewed curtains, baby quilts, a soft book, and other things. I needed to accomplish something. I needed to finish something that gave me a good feeling.

We are redoing our kitchen and then a bathroom. I need newness, freshness, hope.

I entertain thoughts of moving, of change. I think about vacations, travel. I am trying to run from the pain, but it goes with me.

What happened in 2016? My family fell apart. The family I  longed for, prayed for, and dedicated my life to, broke apart. My oldest daughter was already divorced and is estranged from us. I didn't think my heart could be more broken, but it can be. My second daughter divorced in March and that changed our family, too. My youngest son is also in the divorce process. Besides being in the divorce process, he is also redefining himself. We don't even know him now. He is making choices that hurt many and then blames others for them. Previously we were close; now we can't talk. We don't agree on the basics of anything. I don't know how to relate anymore.

Divorce makes family messy. Who do you invite for holidays? Who do you give family gifts to? Who do you ask to have the grandchildren over for a visit?

And worst of all is when the children are used as a punishment. Because I responded wrong, the grandchildren are kept from me.

I didn't lose a daughter to leukemia like a friend of mine did. My husband didn't die like another friend's did. Yet I am still facing grief. Someone else's choices have forced my life to change in ways that hurt. I have lost relationships. I have lost my dream of a happy united family. I have lost my joy in celebrations. I have lost my confidence that my children are walking with the Lord, that they know Christ personally. I have lost a sense of worth as I feel I didn't do a good enough job raising my children. I am not sure of who I should be now.

Loss of all kinds causes grief. So my grief is real, even if it is different from others' grief. So what happened in 2016? So far I have survived. Not thrived. I am still moving forward. Slowly finding my way.