Giving Up on My Adult Children

Why I Gave Up on my Adult Children

1.       They have their own lives to live and so do I!  When your children are little, they go where you go and do what you do. You take them with to the store and buy the food. You cook it; they eat it. You buy the clothes they wear. You teach them what is right and wrong and shape their will to obey you. But then they grow up and make their own choices. They choose where to live, with whom, and how they will live. You can get stuck being in the midst of their lives, but you still have a life, too. There are things you will want to do and people you will want to be with that doesn’t include your children. Their growing up means you can do some of the things you did not have time or money to do when you had children living at home with you. So give it up! They are going to live their own lives!

2.       They don’t always listen to me anyway. And if they do, it doesn’t often affect how they live. Sometimes they listen. But I cannot make them behave in a certain way. Sometimes I have to just be quiet and let go. It is hard. I want to tell them what I have learned, what I know of the world and people. If they ask, I am here to speak what I know. But sometimes I just have to give it up. Sometimes, though, I have to say it regardless of how they hear it. I still try to do my best even if that it isn’t good enough. And then I have to let it go.

3.       They have to face the consequences of their choices, not me. (most of the time) When my children did not honor their marriage vows, there were broken marriages and divorce. Their children have suffered. While I have to deal with the after effects of divorce and the children’s pain, I am not the one answerable to God for it. They will always have to live with their choices and how it affected others. As much as it has hurt me and others, I can’t do anything to change it. I have to give it up.

4.       They don’t see things the same way I do, even though I raised them. The culture, friends, job, higher education, spouses, and the media shape our children as much or more than we, as parents, did. I have a more black and white view of things. They are more tolerant. They are not as firm on things that I would be, whether it’s how they raise their children or what causes they support. My standards are tougher. They tend to be more flexible, even to a fault. We think differently about things and I cannot change that.

5.       Their spouses, significant others, friends, have more influence than I do. I learned this rather quickly. When I saw my children give up their churches and faith, I knew I was losing my influence. I grew up always going to church. I took my children, too. It wasn’t an option to not go; it was a privilege. But somehow my children missed it. One changed to another church, a few don’t go. It’s just one example of other’s influences.

6.       They don’t have the same values I do. (even though I taught them) The world is a changing place and the values I taught them are less significant to them. They may view our traditions and morals as dated and old-fashioned. Though I cannot force my values on them, I still cherish them and pray that my children will remember them. But I cannot agonize over them anymore. I daily try to give it up and pray about it more often.

7.       They have different hopes and dreams than I do. I just want to live in God’s will and do whatever He calls me to. I don’t need the world’s success to be fulfilled. I am not even sure what my children dream of. Maybe they just want to be happy and to live lives that are fun. I am not sure what their deepest dreams are. I cannot help them fulfill undefined goals.

8.       Their children are their children, not mine. Oh, but there are times when I wish I was raising them! When I see them not doing a good job, I wish I could take over. When I see their children hurting over things they have done or not done, I wish I could tell them or help them. But the children are not mine. God gave them to my children. I will support them in any way I can and be the best grandparent I can, but I have to remind myself they are not my children. They are not my responsibility. This is one of the hardest things for me because I want to go into rescue mode and make everything better. But I can’t. I have to resign myself to the fact that my children have to parent their children. They are answerable to God for how they raise them, not me.

9.       They have to make their own mistakes. Sometimes we can only learn from our mistakes. Sometimes what others tell us means nothing. We have to experience it. We have to live with what we have done and learn from it. Sometimes that is where we find Jesus or our faith and dependence on Him. It is never easy to see someone make a mistake that could have been prevented if only they had listened to wise counsel, but some people only learn the hard way. So many times I have wanted to confront and teach, but I have had to take a step back and be there to pick up the pieces instead. It hurts, but for the sake of peace, I have been quieter than I wanted to be. My children probably wish I was quiet always…

10.   They are not what makes me happy, content, or satisfied. My children are gifts from God. They are blessings from Him. I have enjoyed raising them. I homeschooled them so I was there with them all the time. We did a lot together. But I cannot find my fulfillment in them. I am not only a mother. I cannot depend on them to be there for me, to make me happy. I must find my joy in my faith, in my Lord, in what He has done for me. I must live my life as He wants me to.  I can’t get stuck in parenting mode and expect my life to be only that. I am a wife, a friend, an aunt, and so much more. I have to see my identity in Christ as His chosen, created for a purpose that even now is changing and being revealed. I love my children with all that I am and would sacrifice almost anything for them. But I will not put the burden on them of trying to make me happy or fulfilled. I give that up for their sake and mine!      

So I say I give up on my adult children, but only in so much that I can’t change. I will never really give up on them personally, but I do give up on what I cannot control.  I give up what can only potentially come between us. I give up what could destroy who I am if I hold too tightly. I give up what could hurt our relationship. I give up what I cannot hold onto anyway.

Yet I will never really give up on my children completely. I have to let them grow up into who they are, who they can become.  I will never stop loving them. I will never stop praying for them. I will always support and encourage them the best that I can. I will be there for them when they need me and ask me to be. I will be proud of their accomplishments. I will forgive their errors and sins. I will always hope for the best. I will always think of them. None of these things are dependent on how they act; it is because they are my children. I am their mother. Nothing can change that. They can change their name or location or phone number, but I am still their mom. That is for forever. I will never give that up.