Parenting Adult Children

Parenting Adult Children

                Once you become a parent, you are always a parent. That doesn’t change. You, however, are forever changed when you become a parent. You become consumed with a love for that child that is different than anything you have ever felt before. You become more selfless. You want the best for your child. I know there are exceptions to this, but God created us to love our offspring and to want to bring them up to be productive, successful adults. Once we become responsible for another human being, you never completely let that go. Your love binds you together forever.

                Thus, the dilemma. Children grow up and become adults. And parents go on being parents.  The appropriate letting go and still loving and being there for them can be a conflict. I know I do not always do it well. I am not sure I have ever done it well.

                Because they are your children, you want to protect them and help them to not go through the bad things life has set before them. Yet they need to experience life and all its consequences. It hurts to watch your child hurt. But often hurts are what teach the greatest lessons.

                What is the balance? I have not learned it yet. I may never. I want to love my children well. I want to be involved in their lives. I want to help them, but not enable bad decisions. I want to encourage and lift them up, but not unnecessarily praise everything. I want to hold them accountable, but not criticize them or break their spirit. I want to offer them hope, but not false hope with no foundation. I want them to see my faith is real, but I am still a sinner. I am a sinner, but I am forgiven. I am redeemed in spite of all my flaws. What good I have to offer comes only from God. I want them to know God and His goodness and love towards them. I want them to have a relationship with Jesus more than I want a relationship with them.  

                So I can offer my love, my prayers, my life, to my children. But they may not want any of it. I know that rejection. Yet still I will offer it. I love them, these adult children of mine. I will always be their mom. Nothing changes that.

Marriage Insight

Marriage Insight

                I was reading a book on marriage and started thinking about my marriage: the ups, the downs,  the expectations and hopes, the reality of how it has played out. So I had this brilliant idea to ask my spouse what his biggest disappointments were. I am not sure now what was behind this. Did I really want to know so I could try to fix what I could? Or was it just an opportunity for me to get to tell him mine?

                I thought about it and never actually did it because I realized it could be a very non-productive conversation. Why would we want to focus on disappointments when there were so many things that were good and positive in our marriage? We could look at things we want to change or grow in, but getting stuck in the disappointments seemed like a way to potentially hurt each other. I knew we could not undo the past, so why focus on that?

                The more I thought about my disappointments though, I realized they were more my failings than my spouse’s. The things I could look back on and feel disheartened about were my fault, too. My biggest disappointment was that we didn’t spend enough time together. My husband likes to come home from work, eat supper, and then go to his shop and work on things. Over the years, I have felt neglected, left out, and sometimes alone. But did I ever voice that to him? I knew he needed downtime so I let it be. I filled the time with my children, movies, books, or something. At times, I got resentful, but he was usually fixing something, making extra money, or taking care of something. So I got used to it. I quit hoping for more time. I quit expecting it. I acted like it didn’t matter. But it did.

                It mattered. Because it was what I thought of as my biggest disappointment. Maybe it is his, too. I never asked. But I decided if it were so important to me, I could do something about it, too. I could suggest dates. I could find time to do something with him. I could initiate spending time with him. He has never rejected me or pushed me aside for other things. We just get busy doing our own thing. So instead of complaining, I want to be the force for change. I can communicate better about my need to be with him. I need quality time. I can make it happen. I think my spouse will be pleasantly surprised because it is a win-win situation. When I put effort into making our marriage better, it is good for both of us. We both come out ahead. Each of us is happier when our marriage is good.

                So I won’t ask about his biggest disappointment. I may ask about what dreams he still has or about plans for our future. That is something we can work on together. We can’t go back , but we can move forward loving each other and doing well for each other as we do well for our marriage.

Birthday Celebration-60!

I celebrated a milestone birthday this weekend! It was a BIG one! I turned 60! But I don't feel 60! Most of the time...

When my daughters who are still at home asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I told them I wanted all 6 of my children, the spouses, and my grandchildren to come to church with me on that day. We laughed at my impossible request and agreed to not even consider it. I did not want to be disappointed.

My husband asked and I told him the same thing. He said he should call all the kids and tell them to come. I again said no as I did not want to be disappointed.

Why would I be disappointed? Two of my children are divorced and another has been contemplating it while separated. The grandchildren live with my children's ex-spouses. My oldest son lives a hundred miles away and has 6 young children. It is often too hard for them to come. My family is messy and complicated. I didn't think it could work and I didn't want my daughters to feel like they had to coordinate an impossible feat such as this.

So on the morning of my birthday I woke up with little expectation of doing much. My girls said we could stop and pick up a cake on the way home from church. We could go out if I wanted. But nothing seemed planned. I had been gone to a convention with one of my daughters all day the day before so we had not planned anything.

I have to admit I was disappointed. I love to plan parties. I like my children and grandchildren around. But the last few years have been hard adjusting to a family that was broken. I have been hurt too many times expecting too much. I knew I had to let go.

So to church we went. First we went to Sunday School. They were serving cake and my youngest daughter joked it was for me. I told her it was leftover funeral cake! Oops! A friend texted me to save her a seat so I did. After Sunday School my daughter asked my friend to come downstairs to the children's ministry area to look at something. As an aside, she told me to come if I wanted. I took my time, not really caring if I went.

I walked in the room and they yelled, "Happy birthday!" Who? All my children, but one. All the spouses, but one. ALL the grandchildren and one to come that I didn't even know about!
I cried. I laughed. I hugged. I was overwhelmed that my daughters and my husband pulled it off. They got almost all of them to come. We took up almost 3 rows in church! It was the best birthday I could have had!

Then they all stayed for lunch that my 2 daughters and my husband planned. Lots contributed to it. Our pastor and family, my dear friend Lisa and Issy, my 'adopted' brother and his wife-Minh and Xuan, and my neighbors came, too. We ate, took pictures, and had wonderful cupcakes baked by my youngest daughter, Janaya.

My heart was full! Even though I missed my oldest daughter and one other spouse of another daughter, I was overjoyed to have almost all of them there. They came through for me. I received some gifts and cards, but the gift of their presence was my favorite gift. I wall always remember this.

Mandy, Janaya, and Loren, you gave me true joy in making my dream come true. And you kept it a surprise from me! Amazing and memorable! I loved it!

Review- The Heart of Marriage - Dawn Camp, Editor

Review- The Heart of Marriage- Dawn Camp, Editor

                The Heart of Marriage is a collection of true stories that share from the heart of their own marriages. Each story speaks of a moment or a lesson learned in their marriage that will encourage and bless you. It is not preachy, but conversational in style. Each story is short and to the point. You could pick it up and read any of them to be inspired to make your marriage the best it could be.

                This book is for anyone- from newlyweds to those married longer. I have been married almost 39 years and was touched by the stories. I believe you always keep working on your marriage. I would give this book as a shower gift or wedding present or an anniversary gift. The concepts presented are for all marriages.

                The stories will inspire and challenge you; they will make you want to fall in love all over again. They will touch your heart and move you. They will make you smile and you will want to share them with others.