Marriage Insight

Marriage Insight

                I was reading a book on marriage and started thinking about my marriage: the ups, the downs,  the expectations and hopes, the reality of how it has played out. So I had this brilliant idea to ask my spouse what his biggest disappointments were. I am not sure now what was behind this. Did I really want to know so I could try to fix what I could? Or was it just an opportunity for me to get to tell him mine?

                I thought about it and never actually did it because I realized it could be a very non-productive conversation. Why would we want to focus on disappointments when there were so many things that were good and positive in our marriage? We could look at things we want to change or grow in, but getting stuck in the disappointments seemed like a way to potentially hurt each other. I knew we could not undo the past, so why focus on that?

                The more I thought about my disappointments though, I realized they were more my failings than my spouse’s. The things I could look back on and feel disheartened about were my fault, too. My biggest disappointment was that we didn’t spend enough time together. My husband likes to come home from work, eat supper, and then go to his shop and work on things. Over the years, I have felt neglected, left out, and sometimes alone. But did I ever voice that to him? I knew he needed downtime so I let it be. I filled the time with my children, movies, books, or something. At times, I got resentful, but he was usually fixing something, making extra money, or taking care of something. So I got used to it. I quit hoping for more time. I quit expecting it. I acted like it didn’t matter. But it did.

                It mattered. Because it was what I thought of as my biggest disappointment. Maybe it is his, too. I never asked. But I decided if it were so important to me, I could do something about it, too. I could suggest dates. I could find time to do something with him. I could initiate spending time with him. He has never rejected me or pushed me aside for other things. We just get busy doing our own thing. So instead of complaining, I want to be the force for change. I can communicate better about my need to be with him. I need quality time. I can make it happen. I think my spouse will be pleasantly surprised because it is a win-win situation. When I put effort into making our marriage better, it is good for both of us. We both come out ahead. Each of us is happier when our marriage is good.

                So I won’t ask about his biggest disappointment. I may ask about what dreams he still has or about plans for our future. That is something we can work on together. We can’t go back , but we can move forward loving each other and doing well for each other as we do well for our marriage.